Thursday, May 25, 2006

My mother is dying

My mother's health has deteriorated drastically since her visit to us. I guess those three weeks refusing to take one of her meds led to damage much more serious than she thought it would. On Tuesday my father called, just as we were heading out the door to a wedding, to tell me that the doctors are giving my mother four months to live. She could extend that a little by going for dialysis, but so far she refuses to.

I go between just sitting around, sick to my stomach, head buzzing, to gulping down tochoclate, to coming up with stupid questions like "what do I wear for the shiva--if they cut one of my usual tricot shirts, will it run over the week? Should I buy a rip-stop type shirt in preparation?", to selfish concerns like "what do I do if the funeral/shiva are the same time the government plans to move me into a ghetto?" I'm losing my mother, losing my home--and neither of them is any fight I can make on my own.

It's odd, being at a wedding where you'd like to be happy and leibidik  but having no energy to, trying not to break out in tears. It's hard, keeping all this from the kids until finals are over because there's nothing they can do to make any difference. It's strange, knowing that thiis is how my summer will be, this limbo, these random thoughts, this listlessness and fear and anger and denial.

Another stray selfish thought. How will I go a week of shiva without knitting? It helps the stress, keeps the buzzing in my head down.
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Sixth Sense socks from the Six Socks KAL.

And finally, it's May 25. Do you know what May 25th is?

Even rabbis are doing it!
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13 comments:

--Deb said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this! What a horrible week . . .

westbankmama said...

I'm sorry for your sad news.

Sherie said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's ill health.

Jane Dark said...

Oh, Moze. Hugs. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Will Pillage For Yarn said...

I'm so sorry, Moze. *HUG*

Safranit said...

Moze...will you (or have you) shared her Hebrew name so I can add it to my prayers...(as regularly as I try to pray)

Creative Genius? said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers!

Creative Genius? said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers!

Devorah said...

HUGS!!! I will keep you and your mother in my prayers.

Three Sisters Yarn said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! Hugs to you and your family! I'll keep her in my prayers!
~Emily (Sister #2)

me-ander said...

refuah shleimah
so sad

People pin the rip, but the big problem is sometimes too short a skirt when sitting low.

4 months? Close to the chaggim, which cancels shiva.

Towel Day? But I'll let you be the only one to know what May 25 really is, my goyish birhday!

Janjan said...

I am sorry, Moze, and I know from experience how hard this is. All my love, Janjan

trish said...

Moze, a hug for {you} from me...I am so sorry to hear the news about your mother. I haven't been through this myself but will think of you and your family in this difficult time.

Your Sixth Sense socks look great, and on one hand, that seems so unimportant, but on the other, keep in mind that solace can be found in the repetition of familar things like knitting.

trish