My mother is dying

My mother's health has deteriorated drastically since her visit to us. I guess those three weeks refusing to take one of her meds led to damage much more serious than she thought it would. On Tuesday my father called, just as we were heading out the door to a wedding, to tell me that the doctors are giving my mother four months to live. She could extend that a little by going for dialysis, but so far she refuses to.

I go between just sitting around, sick to my stomach, head buzzing, to gulping down tochoclate, to coming up with stupid questions like "what do I wear for the shiva--if they cut one of my usual tricot shirts, will it run over the week? Should I buy a rip-stop type shirt in preparation?", to selfish concerns like "what do I do if the funeral/shiva are the same time the government plans to move me into a ghetto?" I'm losing my mother, losing my home--and neither of them is any fight I can make on my own.

It's odd, being at a wedding where you'd like to be happy and leibidik  but having no energy to, trying not to break out in tears. It's hard, keeping all this from the kids until finals are over because there's nothing they can do to make any difference. It's strange, knowing that thiis is how my summer will be, this limbo, these random thoughts, this listlessness and fear and anger and denial.

Another stray selfish thought. How will I go a week of shiva without knitting? It helps the stress, keeps the buzzing in my head down.

Sixth Sense socks from the Six Socks KAL.

And finally, it's May 25. Do you know what May 25th is?

Even rabbis are doing it!